Spring 2007 Issue
What's UP
Posted: October 1, 2008
In This Issue If this issue of Seattle Industry had a carbon footprint, it would probably be big enough to smash straight through whatever ice will be left in the Arctic Ocean by the time you get around to reading it.
Enormous oil reserves in Alberta. Enormous oil reserves in Alaska. Enormous battles brewing over what to do about the thinning ice beneath Alaska’s polar bears. Environmentalists and federal officials acting like complete nincompoops. It was all kind of fun and then along comes the new United Nations Report that there is a 90 percent chance Al Gore is right (boy, would that hurt). The earth is warming, scientists are 90 percent sure it is caused by human use of carbon-based fuels, and nobody knows if we can really do anything to cool things down or stop the trend, but just wait for the pressure to pull our collective rear ends over to the curb, stop, get out, and start the long, slow walk toward a kinder, gentler, slower, darker, grimmer future that will not be perked by up Jet Skis, snowmobiles, hydroplane races, the Blue Angels, NASCAR, joyrides, favorite car tunes, or vacations on Maui unless you sail or swim there. And, if all that isn’t depressing enough, you can always turn to the Alaskan Way Viaduct.
We wish we could say we planned this lineup of stories to coincide with the public release of the UN Report. We didn’t. But now that they are all here, we will take credit for spotting the three threads that tie this issue together.
The Next John D.
Try to relax because right now, somewhere in the world, a very bright person is finding the way we will fuel our vehicles in the future with a resource not derived from carbon. This person is working with the noblest intentions. He or she wants to save the world. She or he also wants to make a billion dollars. He or she also plans to give most of the money away, keeping just enough – maybe a hundred mill – to remain perfectly, splendidly, happy. And when she or he succeeds, it won’t be the first time.
John D. Rockefeller did the exact same thing. He may be remembered as the penultimate pirate of capitalism, but in his own eyes he was a devout Christian on a mission from God to bring the world the life-transforming benefits of, first, kerosene, and, later, gasoline. These fuels made the world a vastly better place and Rockefeller pursued his dreams with the guts of a daylight burglar due to his unshakable faith that God wanted him to succeed because God knew that if John D. Rockefeller made a billion dollars, he would give most of it away to charity, and in the end, that’s just what he did. It’s true. Look it up.
Still Running
We are not yet at the end of the Oil Age. Hydrocarbon Man (or Woman) still has many more laps to run before bowing out of the human race, because no elected leader of any nation will want to be the guy or gal who decides that here it is, this is it, the point in time when we shut ’er down. This means it will still be better to be a nation with access to oil than to be one without it. Isn’t there an old Arab adage along those lines? And was there any news since 9/11 that was more cheerful for Americans than the discovery that the Canadians may have almost more oil than they know what to do with? The Canadians, for crying out loud. Are there any two groups of people in the world that share more in common than we do? Is there any native Seattleite over the age of 50 who has not spent at least one wayward night drinking too much, too late, with a bunch of Canadians?
Major questions still swirl around the actual production that can be achieved from Alberta’s oil sands, but so far, so good. Oil is flowing south even as you read this, and that is just one bit of the good news coming our way from the north side of the 48th Parallel. Oil, natural gas, gold, diamonds, the BC Games, and Neil Young still rocks pretty good. Is North America a great continent, or what?
Tunnelistas & Tunnelism
Watch out for people on missions from God. Sometimes, as with Rockefeller, it pans out. Sometimes, as with Tunnelistas, it doesn’t. Tunnelistas adhere to a bizarre belief called “Tunnelism” that was apparently revealed to a handful of people who were knocked senseless in Seattle during the 2001 Nisqually Quake. Tunnelism holds that Seattle is a blighted, rundown, ugly, backward, shadowy, slum-infested, dime-a-dance kind of place that is staggering into the 21st century like a rum-dumb hobo weaving his way through Pioneer Square. Tunnelistas attribute all these civic ills to the existence of the Alaskan Way Viaduct. They believe the only way to save the city is to tear down the viaduct and replace it with a tunnel. A splinter sect believes the Viaduct should be torn down even if it can’t be replaced because cars are evil, roads are bad, and we’re better off converting now to foot or bicycle travel because of, yep, global warming. Members of this splinter sect are sometimes referred to as “Numbskulls.”
No one really knows where the Tunnelistas came from. No proof of their existence can be found prior to the Nisqually Quake. In fact, prior to the Quake, Seattle won multiple awards for being America’s Most Livable City. Now? Forget it. Fetid hellhole.
No one is quite sure what to do with these people because so many of them hold elected positions of authority at City Hall. Maybe they should be taken out for a long night on the town with a bunch of Canadians, to try to talk some sense into them. End the night with a wild, gas-guzzling drive with Neil singing “Southern Man” really loud on the CD player. Drive them to Golden Gardens, Seward Park, or any of the other 10,000 places along Seattle’s 146 miles of shoreline where you can stick your toes in the water and enjoy the scenery without paying $4 billon, $6 billion, or $10 billion to spruce up America’s Most Livable City. Now, there’s an idea to warm up to.
